just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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