Redeem this text for a blowjob
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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