I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
