Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Congratulations! We have a period
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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