All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
