Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
