I can tuck mytits in my pants
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
