I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
She bit a glass in half.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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