Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
