I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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