Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Randomize
