life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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