I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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