Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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