dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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