So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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