Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
