you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
