Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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