What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
As shirtless as possible
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
