Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
