Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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