A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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