Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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