Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
