everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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