The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
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