I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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