all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
