There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
