We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
