He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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