def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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