i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
