I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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