he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
