I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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