Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It's official drugs can't kill me
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
