i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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