Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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