i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
