I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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