my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
