Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
