Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
