youre lurking in front of me
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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