the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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