I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
