I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
