I wish I could teleport
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
