Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
