I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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