I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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