He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
