I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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