wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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