Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
