I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
